Hello, world! Today’s the day I finally decided (or was strongly suggested) to start a “blog”. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matthew Goudie. Student of advertising, spaghetti enthusiast, Mario Kart champion, and witty meat sack extraordinaire. Either you’re a close friend critiquing my work or you’re a web traveller encountering me by happenstance. Whatever your title, we’re about to take a journey of me. And rather than telling you all about my unique quirky interests, I’m instead going to spice things up and list off all my deep-seated insecurities in the form of character flaws.
1) I never consider how any of my decisions will impact my future.
This has definitely come back to haunt me on more than one occasion. It’s a real wonder how I happened to have made it this far. I’m sure the government funding helped. But anyway, the point is: the future is scary. I have surprisingly low ambition for someone so acutely aware of how little ambition I have. Hell, I don’t even know what my dinner plans are for tomorrow, but I hope it’s delicious.
2) I rarely stick to anything if I don’t find I’m immediately good at it.
Talk about sabotaging my entire life, yeesh. Luckily I’ve always found writing comes pretty naturally so I’ve got this word count locked down. I just can’t promise anything better than Buzzfeed quality here at My Contractually Obligated “Blog”. But that’s okay, because we’re all learning.
3) I tend to clap at inappropriate times.
Now I’m certainly not a clap-at-a-funeral kind of guy, at least not yet. But I can’t begin to count all the times I’ve assessed something to be mildly entertaining and began slapping my meat sticks together only to have everyone in the room slowly crane their necks towards me like I’m the racist grandpa at their Thanksgiving dinner. I am nothing if not unapologetic though, and I reserve the right to clap whenever I so please.
4) A lack of a consistent childhood father figure led me to a psychological aversion to women of authority and a sarcastic sense of humour I developed as a defence mechanism that refuses to shut itself off.
I really wish my dad would call me.
5) I rarely take anything seriously.
I’m sure by this point you’re shocked to read that, but it’s true. I find it difficult to take most things from an objectively serious or non-satirical point of view. Take this “blog” for example. If you think this is going to slash my odds of getting hired at a serious business, just wait until we see what other word garbage I can spew every Monday night from now on. But maybe that’s okay, because it’s going to be fun. And if there’s anything you should take away from this, it’s to never sacrifice a good time because someone says you have to.