In a surprise, joint press release on Sunday, prestigious news organizations the Toronto Sun and Toronto Star have announced a planned merger after discovering the actual sun the earth revolves around is classified as a star by scientists worldwide.
“Perhaps the most ground-breaking development in my career as a journalist,” says Jonathan Kingstone, City Editor for the Toronto Sun.
“I almost couldn’t believe it.” Says John Boynton, CEO and Publisher for the Toronto Star. “A man in a white lab coat arrived in my office and started spouting scientific facts. I learned a lot that day, but news about the Sun is game-changing. To think that this whole time we were competing with ourselves.”
We had a chance to catch up with Tom Bolton, a retired professor from the University of Toronto’s department of Astronomy and Astrophysics. “The Sun is classified as a Yellow Dwarf. What classifies the Sun as a ‘sun’ is the fact that it exists at the center of a planetary system. In fact, there is a good chance that most stars have a series of planets orbiting them, which would make them suns as well. Astronomers are discovering extrasolar planets at an increasing rate. We can measure these planets thanks to the Doppler Effect which—” (editor’s note: recording was stopped here as our journalist on the scene suddenly suffered an aneurysm.)
The decision to merge is facing backlash from the Flat Earth Society which claims the “Sun is a lighthouse 32 miles wide approximately 3000 miles above the earth”, and that “Stars in the night sky rotate around common barycenters.” Our researchers are still trying to establish what makes these barycenters so common.
-So this was my first attempt at a more traditional satire piece. I’ve always been a fan of parody news organizations like The Onion or The Beaverton. I think there’s just something inherently funny about a fake scenario somewhat based in reality. After all, good comedy comes from places of truth. At least that’s my philosophy.