The Definitive Ranking of Cheeses, From Worst to Best

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Now I want to preface this by saying I am not by any means a “cheese connoisseur”. I haven’t traveled to dairy farms across the globe and I haven’t exposed myself to a plethora of cheese plates. I am, however, a contractually obligated “blogger” with lots of loud, pointless opinions. If you’re offended or otherwise upset you’re favourite milk mold wasn’t featured, I would consider reevaluating some things, random internet traveler. And so, we begin, with the dumbest of all cheeses.

 

Goat Cheese

An inferior product made by an inferior animal. The consistency is weird and the flavor is lacking. If you want to be healthier, or more exotic, that’s your prerogative. I prefer my cheese coming from cattle.

Cottage Cheese

Again, it’s more of a consistency thing. It just looks and feels gross, and it’s not super appetizing.

Cheez Whiz

Oh man, what even is this stuff? Just like a weird orange paste that tastes kind of cheddar-y. I just don’t generally trust “processed” cheeses. That usually means there was something wrong with whatever it was originally, so they turned it into gunk. Bonus fun fact: the powdered stuff in Kraft Dinner is processed processed cheese. Do with that information what you will.

Blue Cheese

This stuff is gnarly, but not in a really good way. I get it, throw on some caviar and it’s supposedly the height of luxury. The problem here is that it tastes kinda gross. I don’t eat blue cheese for the same reason I don’t drink beer: I care more about the way something tastes than the statement it makes.

Cheddar

Cheddar is supposed to be the North American king of cheeses. Nothing more American than a burger topped with it, right? But cheddar is so boring. And sharp cheddars like Cracker Barrel’s are just flat out gross.

Marble

I’m actually not sure if marble cheeses are technically some kind of mashup of other flavours, and in hindsight it’s probably a weird addition. But, in my defence, there are really only so many cheeses. So here it is: marble. It’s good on crackers and stuff.

Monterey Jack

This stuff is the perfect taco cheese, and if I believe in anything it’s that good cheese can really set a taco apart. I guess that’s mostly it.

Cheese in a Can

This stuff is arguably just Cheez Whiz with a more space age delivery, but that’s exactly why it’s here and not up there. It’s hilarious. Basically it’s the whipped cream of cheeses. But more than that it represents innovation. Culture. Class.

String Cheese

This stuff doesn’t bring much to the table in terms of flavor but like the cheese in a can it sure is wacky. I think we can all agree this added some much needed entertainment to elementary school lunches everywhere.

Swiss

Swiss is a solid cheese, I actually like it a lot. It has one major flaw though, and that’s the holes. More cheese means you get less cheese. It’s barbaric. I just want a solid block of cheese, man.

Parmesan

This stuff right here. God damn. Sprinkle this stuff on all of my pasta. Hell, sprinkle this stuff on my grave. Yeah, it’s a little stinky, but that’s okay. Sometimes the ones I love are a little stinky, but you know what? I put up with it. Because love matters. And I love parmesan.

Cheese Curds

Here’s a little plug for my Canadian heritage. It’s delicious. It’s one of three central poutine ingredients, which is delicious. It’s delicious on its own, which is not true for all cheeses. And best of all, a fresh pack’ll make little squeaky noises when you chew it. Amazing.

Havarti

Havarti is the most underrated cheese archetype of all time. This stuff is my go to sandwich cheese because it is the bomb. If you haven’t had a little havarti then you are doing yourself a disservice.

Mozzarella

Is this really any surprise? Mozzarella is good on pizza, it’s good on lasagna, it’s good baked in bread, it’s even good just deep fried with itself. Just thinking about a stringy hot piece of mozzarella is making my mouth water. It is the undisputed king of cheeses. But, and here’s the big one, it’s not my number one cheese.

Before we visit the true number one I’d like to lay out some honourable mentions. Gouda has the funniest name. Whisper it to yourself, right now. Gouda. It’s great. Camembert is surely the fanciest of all the cheeses. It sounds like its named after some noble lord, hanging out in his cheese palace in fine robes. Babybel cheese. I don’t know what kind of cheese this technically is, I don’t even think it tastes particularly good, but it does come with a neat wax coating that’s fun to ball up and throw at your friends. Packaging is the real hero of any brand name. Now then, onto my top cheese:

 

Cheese Cake

I’m sure you might disagree. “Cheese cake isn’t a kind of cheese.” you’re probably saying. But to that I’d say “Then why does it have the word cheese in it?” Check mate. Matt: 1 Internet Trolls: 0. Cheese cake is great. End of discussion.

 

 

 

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